Enough is enough!

I am a 40-year-old mum of 3 who has always “liked a drink”! I can control it when I really have to, pregnancies, new babies, driving, work etc. and have done odd months off here and there. My problem is that I remain unable to just have one, and desperately wish that I was “normal”(?!) so that I could just stop after one or two. I don't  black out, hardly ever fall over drunk but do slur my words and forget stuff! Why can’t I control it? Is it in the family? Whatever the reasons the answer has to be the same, it is time to stop!

As the children have got older, my drinking has increased and often drink a bottle of wine and a beer or two (!) more nights than not. I hate that fact that people see me as a girl that likes a drink, but continue to do nothing but to fuel the observation! I often offer to drive to stop me drinking, and then change my mind! Most of my friends like a drink, and one or two drink more than me, which is partly why I haven’t stopped sooner as I am not as bad as them! When I wake up slightly jaded, I am annoyed and then spend the day vowing not to drink that night, but come 4ish the little inner voice begins to provide me with reasons why I should! I know that my children have suffered, and my younger two I think and hope are unaware. They just know that I can be slightly “stressy’ and short tempered, and I know that I have cut short reading at bedtime and how was your day chats in order to have a drink. My eldest does see it, has made a couple of comments recently and our relationship is  beginning to suffer which just racks me with guilt…My poor long suffering husband remains patient to the endless vows to stop, the tears and the rants of “it’s not fair!

From the odd week here and there without alcohol, when I have either been having a break, or attempting to start an alcohol free life (lots of failed attempts!) I have learnt that life without is calmer, peaceful and so much happier! My thoughts are less negative, and there is no continual “chatter’ in my head about why I drank the night before, and whether I can ever ‘moderate’ my drinking’!  Life in general is so less complicated, and my genuine feelings are not clouded, exaggerated and complicated by being in the negative mind frame that takes over when drinking and being hungover.  I therefore find it baffling that I continue to question whether I should give up. The ‘moderation’ debate is one that my husband and I have had again and again and again…. It has got to a point where he can no longer bear to talk about it, and I don’t blame him! I honestly don’t know why I choose to burden him with the goings on in my head, as the years of listening patiently and offering his support and advice have had no effect.

Writing this, I am trying to really understand what it is that I struggle with when I think about an AF life. I am well aware of the positives, so what are the negatives? The first things that come to mind are spending time with my friends, be it in the pub or at a dinner party or on my beloved ‘girlie’ weekends. Every part of these events are focused around alcohol, aren’t they?? My rational head tells me that this is not the focus, and that it is about spending time and having fun with friends and family. I think of the few nights my husband and I are going to have away later in the year, and the thought of not being able to share and enjoy a bottle of wine with him. I need to look forward to that fact that I am lucky enough to be away at a lovely hotel in the sun and relaxing. Aargh, it sounds so ridiculous when I write it so why can’t I get my head around the fact that I am not missing out!!!

I had a couple of weeks off two months ago, and remember dropping the kids at school, watching them walk in and for the first time in a long time actually feeling blessed and very happy! Surely this is what I should feel most of the time, and the reason I don’t is simply because I am too busy beating myself up for having drunk the night before, and feeling depressed because the endless hangovers have resulted in a poor diet and putting on a stone in weight. I have completely lost sight of the important things in my life, and the ability to actually see how lucky I am!

During my short abstention, I exercised everyday, my skin was glowing, the house was immaculate and I was motivated at work. I look back at last week by comparison and it was a very different story. The end of my AF couple of weeks came on a Friday after a crappy day, and I saw a glass of wine as the answer! It didn’t help, it made me more miserable and dwell irrationally on the events of that day. With a fresh head now, I can see the wasted hours, and the inevitable impact of my irrational thoughts on my mood and of course then on my family.

I have decided to try again, and this is Day 1 for me. I do really feel that the final decision to become AF and to stick to it is the result of a process that you have to go through. It is only when you can truly see that damage you are doing, and the benefits to be gained that it seems a ‘no brainer’. A few scary and embarrassing events recently have helped! I am really hoping that I am finally at the end of this ‘process’, which I have been going through for years. A couple of weeks off have shown me what life can be like, and a week back on the life I don’t want any more. I am writing this blog as I feel like this will give me an external focus and help me to remain on track!